So where do I start….
Yes, it’s been a while since I last posted anything. I’ve started to doubt my ability to write. Well, not the actual writing part but the thought process before the writing. Well duh, it is the creation of words that make the writing. Oh my, sometimes I think I’ve become senile because of the way I talk to myself. That was me talking to myself, btw.
There are times when I sit and have a complete discussion in my head about random things and my perspective on how said things affect our lives and how I can make an impact by writing about them. Then someone walks into the room and my in-head discussion is cut off. Then I think, “who am I kidding, I have so much going on, I’ll never find the time to write.” So it’s this endless cycle of yearning accompanied by self doubt that has my brain lacking any enthusiasm whatsoever. I feel like I’m brain-dead sometimes.
One would think that I’m trying to write an essay on the theory of quantum entanglement and not just a simple blog post. The thing is, I don’t want to merely write random posts about the vegetable garden I grow every spring or a new recipe I’m learning. I want to write about issues of greater importance. I’m not trying to belittle anyone else’s writing, this is just my personal preference.
So what’s keeping me you ask. I know this is going to sound strange but the lack of interaction with individuals who can challenge my way of thought is what has my brain cells in a coma. I’m surrounded by people with a different mindset. I know that must sound arrogant but that is the actual truth. It is not a matter of egotism because I never once thought that I was in any way better than anyone else in my life, this is just the environment I’m living in.
Think of it this way. A person who lives in Millville, Tennessee, a rural farming town of 2000 people moves to attend college in a major city. After receiving a Doctorate in Computer Science, said person goes back home due to family circumstances and ends up living there. Now imagine the discussions that go on with this person and members of his/her family, friends, and neighbors. Of course life goes on and this person readjusts to his everyday life in Millville, but envision the poor guy/gal trying to remember a complicated algorithm while he/she is milking a cow, or working the tractor in the fields. Do you follow?
The last paragraph was a hypothetical image for those who couldn’t comprehend the concept of my situation. That’s another thing I do when I want to explain things, I always seem to overdo the explanation process, thinking that others won’t understand. You see how dealing with others who have a different mentality has affected me psychologically. My kids call it the 9/26 syndrome, which is an inside joke.
It may seem like I’m a loner or an introvert but it’s actually the total opposite. I’m a people person. No matter what age, background, religion, or culture you come from, I can totally relate to and befriend anyone I come across. I see people as human beings. Each individual has a history that has shaped them into who they have become. You have to understand a person’s background to understand who they are. Have I not told you about my obsession with psychology. Don’t even get me started on that. I’ve always been captivated by the study of it. Understanding the human mind and human behavior has long been my passion. I believe that the study of psychology helps us understand our fellow humans. I’ve always loved learning about people from different cultures, even before I was attracted to psychology, which was my main driving force to reading about it.
I believe that is one of the reasons why when I’m sitting within a group, I prefer to sit and analyze everyone rather than join in the everyday conversations of the latest shows or who did what last week. I try to dissect every aspect of each individual and understand their way of thought. I honestly believe that is the best way to understand where everyone is coming from. Especially people from different backgrounds. That is why I know how to approach each person differently. Does that make sense?
So like I said, not having the opportunity to reach my full potential is very frustrating. It gets lonesome at times when you think about what could’ve been. It seems like you’re living someone else’s life. Knowing I have the ability to do more yet I am bound by my circumstances makes me resentful sometimes.
Does it matter that I’m an Arab American Muslim or that my parents come from Yemen? Not really because everyone has a different background but the one thing that unites us as human beings is our every day struggles. But you will obviously put that into consideration because everyone seems to believe that only Arab women are denied their rights to reach any certain potential. Which is totally untrue. I’ve met and heard of women from different cultures and religions who have the very same struggle. It is not a cultural dilemma but a human one at that. It also does not discriminate because even men have these problems.
Another interesting thing is the mainstream public can not relate because in this day and age, the only thing that seems to matter to the new millennium is whatever is happening on TV. People are not as inquisitive as they used to be. It’s like everyone stopped their thinking process and just relies on the media to do it for them. What’s also funny is how the media preaches about individualism, when in reality it is their goal to change everyone’s mindset into one of a united and very limited mentality. I’m totally off track again. This is a separate discussion for another post…..hopefully. I’m going to keep my hands crossed.
But like I said, life goes on so I try doing whatever I can in the moment to make up for what I can’t. The process can get very exhausting and frustrating most of the time because when I run myself thin trying to reach an unknown goal, It makes me bitter. I’m pretty sure it’s something in my head that tells me that whatever I’m doing is never enough. Yep, I also analyze my own actions too.
One would actually think that I sound depressed and bitter. Which I totally understand because after reading my post, I was a bit concerned too. The truth is, my thoughts are just a simple backdrop of my entire existence. These are thought processes that only strive in my mind. What actually goes on in my everyday life is the opposite. I love my family and my children are my world. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde much? Lets not go that far ; )
So there, this is why I chose to blog in the first place. I can at least discuss issues that are significant to me with people who have gone through the same struggles. You’re probably wondering by now how I got from trying to write a post to the subject of psychology to mainstream media. That’s another thing I do, I get off track once I’m into discussion/writing mode. “Huh…good luck with becoming a writer,” I tell myself.