Posted by: yemenia68 | June 30, 2009

Memoirs of a rebel with a lost cause

control

 

It’s been a while since I last blogged. Which is not due to the lack of things to blog about, but is actually because of the fact that there are too many things going on in my life? I guess I felt too overwhelmed to write about anything. There are times when I ask myself why I even bother blogging. Maybe if there were more people in my life that I can open up to and discuss my troubles with than I wouldn’t have started blogging in the first place. To be honest, it’s not even that, it has been my passion to write since I was a kid. Becoming a writer was once my dream, a dream that I woke up from a long time ago. Once I realized that being “myself” was absolutely impossible, I had learned to adapt to becoming another person.

I ‘m sure that I am one of many who wishes to be accepted, appreciated, and acknowledged as a genuine person amongst the people they love. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to live up to my family’s expectations and in the process, I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what it is that I want in life anymore. I grew up in one culture, and have been trying for the most part of my life to become a part of another culture. This is mainly why I feel that I have lost grip of my goals, responsibilities, and priorities in every aspect of my life. Every time I choose to change the course of my future, I am criticized and condemned by the people that I have grown to recognize as my family. The same people who live and are governed by a strict and traditionally controlled” isolated bubble”.

 
At the early age of fourteen, I had taken the role of a wife and mother while living in a country I knew nothing about, simply trying to adapt to what I thought to be a very foreign and strange environment at the time. Seriously though, does a thirteen year old have the wisdom to actual comprehend the concept of marriage? Anyway, back to my story. In this far away land, people saw me as a shame to their culture and as a result I was constantly mocked and laughed at. Instead of trying to make people understand the “real” me, I chose to change my identity and become one of them for the mere purpose of fitting into their society. This was the first step in a long journey of recreating my identity. Throughout my entire life, I had to deal with a culturally divided mindset, which consequently distorted my vision of reasonableness.

Although I was fully proficient at living out my obligated role in the societal structure that I lived in, I was always labeled “the independent rebel” for one reason or the other. This was not due to my actions but simply because of my self-governing mindset. I have had to live with this label and its consequences throughout my life because I was the girl who grew up in the U.S.  The fact that I have lived an isolated life surrounded with narrow minded human beings is another obstacle in my life that does nothing but tie me down even more. I am viewed as an outcast amongst my people. Every time something went wrong, it was always because of my “twisted beliefs”, as everyone referred to them. I did not choose to be influenced by the culture I grew up in because actually it was my father’s choice to move to the west to find a better way of living; I had no say in that decision. I am not saying that I prefer the ideology of western society over Islamic principles. I truly believe that I am a religious person who strives to do what is right. Unfortunately, what is right is not even an option in some cultures. People are controlled by customs and traditions that have nothing whatsoever to do with religious beliefs.

Throughout my 39 years, I’ve been through so much that sometimes I’m surprised that I’m still here. Even at the moment, the drama continues. These past few weeks, I have tried to make extreme changes in my life. Unfortunately, I had forgotten for the millionth time that I have no control over my life. I am bound to living my life as others see fit. One of the reasons that I cannot change my destiny is the fact that I am a coward. I choose to allow my family to control every aspect of my life because I do not have the courage to say no. Everyone outside of my family tells me to put my foot down and start taking control of my life but I fear the consequences of losing the people I have lived my entire life with.  Why can’t I live a peaceful life without dealing with the outcome of becoming the outcast or the black sheep of the family? If this seems like another case of “having my cake and eating too”, it most definitely is not.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. given the sequence of events i think i can try to imagine what that change might be. If that is the case maybe you should consider some alternative options that might bridge the difference between the two (for example if its about work, maybe considering working online might help)
    As for the outcast of the family; that is not an easy thing when it happens, and at the end you can ask for advice from others on that matter because the choice is too enormous.
    personally my choice was to love myself and make sure to let them know i love them too … but on my terms

  2. First of all, let me say “welcome back”. It almost seems like you’ve been away for a while, or maybe I’m the one who has been away.
    Anyway, I appreciate your comment, although I think it is easier said than done.
    Since I’ve already been labeled “the rebel” for my entire life, standing up for something that goes against their will is going to verify what they believe about me. Not that what I choose to do is in any way wrong but you might have an idea of how culture and tradition dominates the mindset of Arab people. Even if they know that what I’m doing is not wrong, they dont have the courage to break the darn cycle and support my choices.
    All I can do is pray that God guides me through this situation.
    thanks again bambam 🙂

  3. it’s been a while. I hope all is well.

  4. Thanks for your concern Mab3oos 🙂
    Everything is okay. I was in a very difficult situation a few weeks back, but fortunately, everything is better.
    I cant deny that I went through a life changing experience, although I hope everything will turn out okay in the long run.
    Wish me luck 🙂

  5. I wish you all the luck.

    life changing is all I do. Usually a few times a day. from mab3oos to me to the student me and the innocent child inside, it’s very refreshing to change things and explore the possibilities! it’s what keeps me sane, if you believe I’ve ever been!

  6. You know what? Sometimes I kinda believe that I’m the one who actually needs to change. I wish I could be more carefree, spontaneous, and a dash of courage might help too.
    Maybe letting go of all my troubles and living the moment could change a lot for me.
    I’m the kinda person who makes plans to plan every little detail in their life.
    Akhhhhhhhhhhh, I’m just so tired of it all. : (
    More power to you Mab3oos, at least you still have your sanity.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: