Posted by: yemenia68 | September 17, 2010

Thoughts of darkness……..

Earlier in life, I believed to be a humble, sincere, patient, loving, and kind person. I’ve always strived to do what was right. And in most cases, doing the right thing was the hardest choice available. Always making sacrifices for everyone around me, believing that it would truly make a difference. I just recently realized that this kind of mentality has actually taken a toll on my spirit, believe it or not. It can be very consuming to always give and never get back.
In making this realization, I start to doubt myself and everything about my fundamental nature. I find myself in a vague and blurred stage in life. Sometimes I doubt what the true definitions of right and wrong are. It seems like I’m trying to find reassurance that I’m on the right trail; a trail that is no longer clear to me. Not knowing how I started and when it will end.
I see everyone living in world not my own. A world full of deceit, back stabbing, hatred, hypocrisy, jealousy and envy; a world that has led me to doubt myself and my values in life. A world in which sometimes I no longer wish to live in.
Why have I become so hostile? Why am I trying to find someone to blame for my hostility? Sometimes I ask myself if it is validation that I seek. Do I feel sorry for myself? Do I want a confession from the people who have discouraged, intimidated, and dictated me? Why am I looking for answers to questions I dare not ask? And who do I ask?
This is what I find myself thinking about late at night. I can’t seem to change my sleep schedule after Ramadan. Isn’t it funny how the silence and darkness of the night can turn you into a lunatic on a mission? Once the sun is up, everything is fine and dandy.
But, of course, the thoughts do come from somewhere, don’t you think……is it the subconscious?

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Responses

  1. Life is not fair; and expecting to give and get back in return leads only to one feeling: frustration.
    أم حسبتم أن تدخلوا الجنة ولما يأتكم مثل الذين خلوا من قبلكم مستهم البأساء والضراء وزلزلوا حتى يقول الرسول والذين آمنوا معه متى نصر الله ألا إن نصر الله قريب
    For me, life is simply the “opportunity” of making someone better of myself.

    When the voices at night shout at you to take a stand and be there for yourself, you may dismiss them by remembering that it was your choice, and that you’re doing it for yourself before others. Subconsciously, being strong and suffering for it is always tolerable than being helpless and suffering for it.
    IF you need someone to tell you that you were always right and please keep being, then you are reading for him right now.
    IF you think that you can’t take it anymore, being that strong, then you can pray : ربنا ولا تحملنا ما لا طاقة لنا به
    But IF you think that moving to the other camp will fix it, then I am telling you it will be such a waste for the “opportunity”.

  2. Thank you for the advice. You are a very wise person. 🙂

    I have no plans of moving to the other camp………it’s just another way of venting out my frustrations.

  3. I think sometimes you just have to take things into your own hands and become selfish. Not to the extent of hurting people beyond repair but to the point where they stop taking you for granted.

    I’m not a fan of darkness.

    • W.

      I’ve been “swimming against the tide” for practically most of my life. I simply don’t have the energy for it anymore.
      It’s consuming, and sometimes it gets to the point where I think maybe I’m the one who needs to change.
      Thanks for taking the time to pass by 🙂

  4. Hi,
    I can say i experienced it soulfully and am damn sure that it will come nly from subconcious..but its not the purest one and it needs to be vanished.Since it l maketh us to degrade n every activities..

    • I think so too 🙂


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