Posted by: yemenia68 | September 23, 2011

My Thoughts

 

 

It’s been exactly six months since I last posted. I don’t know why I stopped posting. I guess at one point I thought that maybe by posting I would find solutions to my problems, but most of the time I just wanted to be heard (you know what I mean). For some reason, I want people to know who I am, what I’ve accomplished in life, my hardships, my happiness and all the other highlights in my life, but the question is why?

Is it because I’ve lived an isolated life and I wanted and needed recognition or acknowledgement from others? And then I ask myself” recognition and acknowledgement for what exactly?” What exactly have I accomplished that deserved to be recognized?  After all, I am a normal person with a lot of issues in her life, but who doesn’t have issues, seriously, its 2011?

Is it not enough that the people who know me refer to me as strong, intelligent, driven, wise and compassionate? Or maybe it is I who does not have faith in myself and need to be reassured by others of my positive characteristics. Or is it possible that I crave attention?

One thing that I know for sure is that I fear failure. I fear that I will not be a good enough daughter, sister, mother, wife, and every other position that I will be labeled throughout my life. Which consequently pushes me to constantly strive to be a better me, and throughout the process I realize that, not everyone wants to be a “better” person.  After being shocked time and again, I wonder, is it me? Are my standards too high? Is there a limit to how high you set your standards? Is a common courtesy too much to ask for, or maybe a little respect every once in a while? You see, once you have to ask yourself time and again “is there something wrong with me that I ask for such things?” than you know that you should change your perspective on life and people.

Since I was a child, I have been moving back and forth from here to Yemen. I’ve never had a stable life. And since I’ve never stayed in one place for a long enough time to have a steady and secure place in one society, I’m constantly lacking a social life. I always felt “different”. Another reason for not establishing social skills, I guess, was because we (my sisters and I) simply weren’t accustomed to going to social gatherings since childhood.  For as long as I can remember, regardless of where I was, everyone always thought that we were conceited, merely because we rarely went to social events, which was far from the truth.

It’s funny how I try to be my own psychiatrist. I constantly ask myself why and how every time I feel in doubt of my actions. The thing is, sometimes I need to know that whatever issue I’m tackling has been somehow mentioned in some psychological theory or something.

I’ve been in a depressed zone for a while, which is why I needed to write something, anything for that matter, even these scribblings seem to make me feel better. This probably has something to do with the fact that I’ve regretted for a very long time the fact that I never pursued my dream of being a writer.  So you see……….now I know why I started this blog.

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Responses

  1. I really feel good about this piece, really good, because it speaks volume about what I feel right now and every time. It expresses my thoughts and my life as I grow into adulthood seeking for self fulfillment. The drive for success, then comes in doubts cause by fears and the inner battle to remain focus and stay on top.
    It is what we think that we become. I guess am on the right track now by trusting myself and working on my weaknesses. Now I know that I need to understand more to fear less, work on my temperament, continue to learn, take decisions with no regret, appreciate life and most importantly do what I love. With these I believe I can accomplish more and make a difference no matter where I was coming from.
    Would I really get that acknowledgement, meet expectations in all my life roles well and be heard and understood? Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, says Helllen Keller, thus take the challenges.

    • It most definitely is a daring adventure and then some. 🙂

  2. I hope you find what you are looking for. I can relate, it’s hard…but InshAllah you will find stability.

  3. Thanks for your kind words samar. 🙂

  4. Thanks

  5. 1. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

    2. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

    3. Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

    4. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

    5. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.

    • These are all beautiful quotes my dear niece; it is a good thing that you are very optimistic and full of hope. I guess my posts are getting kinda gloomy lately, but seriously, do you blame me? Luv you much 🙂

  6. These are just some quotes that I love to read about life, and they’re mostly true.


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