My Thoughts

 

 

It’s been exactly six months since I last posted. I don’t know why I stopped posting. I guess at one point I thought that maybe by posting I would find solutions to my problems, but most of the time I just wanted to be heard (you know what I mean). For some reason, I want people to know who I am, what I’ve accomplished in life, my hardships, my happiness and all the other highlights in my life, but the question is why?

Is it because I’ve lived an isolated life and I wanted and needed recognition or acknowledgement from others? And then I ask myself” recognition and acknowledgement for what exactly?” What exactly have I accomplished that deserved to be recognized?  After all, I am a normal person with a lot of issues in her life, but who doesn’t have issues, seriously, its 2011?

Is it not enough that the people who know me refer to me as strong, intelligent, driven, wise and compassionate? Or maybe it is I who does not have faith in myself and need to be reassured by others of my positive characteristics. Or is it possible that I crave attention?

One thing that I know for sure is that I fear failure. I fear that I will not be a good enough daughter, sister, mother, wife, and every other position that I will be labeled throughout my life. Which consequently pushes me to constantly strive to be a better me, and throughout the process I realize that, not everyone wants to be a “better” person.  After being shocked time and again, I wonder, is it me? Are my standards too high? Is there a limit to how high you set your standards? Is a common courtesy too much to ask for, or maybe a little respect every once in a while? You see, once you have to ask yourself time and again “is there something wrong with me that I ask for such things?” than you know that you should change your perspective on life and people.

Since I was a child, I have been moving back and forth from here to Yemen. I’ve never had a stable life. And since I’ve never stayed in one place for a long enough time to have a steady and secure place in one society, I’m constantly lacking a social life. I always felt “different”. Another reason for not establishing social skills, I guess, was because we (my sisters and I) simply weren’t accustomed to going to social gatherings since childhood.  For as long as I can remember, regardless of where I was, everyone always thought that we were conceited, merely because we rarely went to social events, which was far from the truth.

It’s funny how I try to be my own psychiatrist. I constantly ask myself why and how every time I feel in doubt of my actions. The thing is, sometimes I need to know that whatever issue I’m tackling has been somehow mentioned in some psychological theory or something.

I’ve been in a depressed zone for a while, which is why I needed to write something, anything for that matter, even these scribblings seem to make me feel better. This probably has something to do with the fact that I’ve regretted for a very long time the fact that I never pursued my dream of being a writer.  So you see……….now I know why I started this blog.